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The "gay predator" trope "is something that cisgender, heterosexual people have historically used to align same-sex relationships/sex (especially between men) as some sort of perversion rooted in abuse,” Caraballo says. If the answer is no, then you know you’re simply letting your friends and family get into your head.Īnother very good reason to push your parents' views to the side is their use of the word “predator.” Put bluntly, it’s homophobic. The key here is separating your thoughts from your parents’ thoughts and figuring out what, if anything, makes this relationship feel unhealthy to you. The real problem is if power dynamics are at play: “Are there times when you feel coerced or pressured to behave in certain ways?” “Age gaps in and of themselves aren't necessarily a problem,” Caraballo says.
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Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC and cofounder of Viva Wellness, feels the same. That dynamic isn't quite as common as it was, say, 40 years ago now, with the Internet and more LGBTQ+ visibility and protections, you don't necessarily need an older gentleman to introduce you to gay bars, friends, and culture.Īnyway! When it comes to determining once and for all whether your relationship is unhealthy, I'd encourage you to look beyond your boyfriend's age. Second, these older/younger relationships have historically fallen into mentor/mentee situations, where the older man introduces the younger man to gay culture and spaces. For one, our dating pool is already small, and we'd be making it even smaller by limiting our age range. Your relationship is definitely unconventional by mainstream society's standards, although it's worth noting that in gay culture, it's far more common for men to have partners who are decades older. The media portrays couples with major age gaps as gold-digger-y at best and predatory at worst (more on why that automatic assumption is wrong later). Still, I understand the concerns you’re having about the age gap. If you said you felt pressured to be with him because of his money or power, then we'd be having a very different conversation. You mention that he treats you with respect, and you feel autonomous. I don’t have all the facts, but based on the information you provided, your relationship isn't necessarily unhealthy or problematic. He treats me with respect, and I feel very autonomous in the relationship, but why would a man who’s older than my father seek out a much younger men? Can our relationship possibly be healthy? I try to ignore what they say and focus on our relationship, but it's getting tougher, and I'm starting to worry they may be right. Whenever my parents find out I'm still dating him, they go off about what a "predator" he is. He takes me on nice vacations and pays for my dinners. He's 57 years old-making us 35 years apart-and also happens to be wealthy. The problem is, I'm constantly judged for being with him. (He made losing my virginity a not-totally-awkward experience!) He's kind, smart, funny, and the sex is great. I'm a 22-year-old gay man, and I've been happily dating my boyfriend for 11 months.
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To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form. Ask me anything-literally, anything-and I will gladly Sexplain It. I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner," because you know that already. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it).